Tinder broke down? Got you – We’re putting our game face on for this one.
Dear singles, I hear you. Finding love in SMU is like hoping for the queue at that one Koufu drink stall to get shorter so you could get your drink on time — literally impossible. Based on personal observation, many in SMU are either taken, single, or in-between. For those in the first category, congratulations! I hope you aced the module on ‘Leadership and Team Building — Marriage Edition”.
For those in the latter two categories, fret not. I believe that when one plans to fail, they fail to plan. In this rapidly evolving dating market, it is crucial to approach one’s goal with a well-structured approach to maximise dating successes. Leveraging insights from real-world (or otherwise), I have crafted a strategic, no-nonsense approach to optimising dating efficiency and maximising one’s romantic outcomes in the SMU dating market — so that you could finally answer to your mom and pesky relatives by next cny (hopefully).
Phase 1: Market Research (Alternatively, identifying potential partners)
As the wise Sun Tsu has once said, “Know Thy Self, Know Thy Enemy. A Thousand Battles, A Thousand Victories.” However, for those who neither know thy self, nor thy enemy, I shall make things simpler and just focus on knowing ‘thy enemy’, the dating landscape in SMU.
Common acquisition targets include:
> Seniors: (Moderate Risk, High Reward) - Posses advanced knowledge including, but not limited to: bidding, knowledge of the course, internships and best supper spots (Sim Lim Square Salted Egg Rice – no gatekeeping here) However, the risk of ghosting is high as they might have more group projects and internships to juggle, and you might just find yourself at the bottom of their to-do list.
> CCA Mates: (Moderate Risk, Moderate Reward) - Why spend money and extra time to go on dates when you can do it in cca instead? +1 for closeness as there are built-in common interests. However, if things go south, be prepared for some very awkward side-eyes and potential gossip during cca sessions.
> Your Groupmate: (High Risk, Low Reward - AVOID) - Late Nights? Date Nights. Crunch Nights? Also Date Nights. The frequent interaction you have with your groupmates is bound to produce some chemistry, and potentially send love sparks flying. However, what might feel like romantic attraction, could just be trauma bonding over deadlines. Furthermore, if things go haywire – so does your group project and your gpa.
Phase Two: Initiating First Contact
Once the target has been identified, it is time to reach out for a coffee chat. As taught in our Management Communication mods, it is important to show keen awareness of the context and audience. With that in mind, here’s an example of an incorrect way to email someone:
Phase 3: First Date Execution and Venue Selection
Congratulations! You have secured a first date. Here comes the climax of your romantic journey – the execution stage. As veterans of the dating market would know, selecting an optimal first date venue is critical in establishing a good first impression. Contrary to popular belief, dating venues do not need to be expensive and posh – afterall, most of us are college students with limited income (cue student loan). Look no further for the perfect dating spot — SMU is already home to some!
Best SMU Date Spots
Onalu Bagels (Basement of SOA): Quality bagels make for a happy stomach and an even happier date. Possible date activities include people-watching (cue tourists) and enjoying the pleasant and invigorating scenery of Fort Canning Hill.
Fort Canning: Nice scenery, nice air, and an even nicer date. Possible date activities include strolling, deep conversations and a picnic.
Funan / Raffles Place: A stone’s throw away from SMU. Has a good mix of activities from mid-range to high-end, to cater to any budget or mood of the day. Possible date activities include catching a movie, shopping, or simply watching others climb walls.
AVOID:
General Seminar Rooms / GSRs
Li Ka Shing Library / Kwa Geok Choo Library
These venues are designated for studying and productive activities, not for your romantic advancements. Nothing kills the mood faster than seeing people advance ahead of you both academically and romantically, while you are still struggling with both trying to land a partner.
Phase 4: Relationship Scaling & Long-Term Feasibility
I hope your first date has gone well. Now, it's time to determine the category your relationship falls under – a coffee chat, developing situationship or a full-fledged relationship deal. To do so, we need to evaluate some Key Performance Indicators:
Engagement Levels: Did the conversation go smoothly? Was there sustained interest throughout the date, or was you/your date using your phones the whole time?
Laugh-O-Meter: Was the atmosphere light-hearted and pleasant? Did both of you laugh and have fun?
Follow-Up Signals: Have they texted since the first date, or have gone MIA just like your groupmate?
Rate yourself on a scale of 0-5 for each indicator. If it exceeds 10, congrats! There is a strong potential for a relationship. If it is between 6-9, your partner may be interested in you, but do not jump into conclusions. It’s time to initiate The Talk™ to provide some much-needed answers to your relationship. If your score is 5 and below, unfortunately, your date might not be interested in you. Please proceed to Phase 5 for assistance.
Phase 5: Damage Control and Plan Bs
If the relationship does not meet expectations – fret not. Nikocado Avocado has taught us what it means to be ‘two steps ahead’, and we now apply it here. In the case of romantic failure, one can consider the following actions:
Pivot back to a GPA & career-first strategy (Emotional Connections ❌❌❌ Linkedin Connections ✅✅✅)
Seek emotional support from friends, family, or the Wong Kwok Leong Student Wellness Centre (Purchasing overpriced PopMart boxes could help too)
Out of sight out of mind - if you see them on campus pretend to not see them by either looking at your phone or staring into blank space.
Concluding Thoughts
Finding love is a challenge – for some it's an ongoing struggle, while for others, a lifelong one. Regardless of where you stand, we hope this article has helped you in your quest to find the one. However, do keep in mind that love isn’t a milestone to unlock, or a race to win — it’s a process, and sometimes, the best thing you could do is to enjoy your own company. Take yourself on solo dates, romanticise your life, and treat yourself the way you want to be treated. At the end of the day, self-love is the one investment that guarantees the best returns.
And if all else fails…well, your assignments and projects are always there for you :D
Disclaimer: This article is entirely satirical. No feelings have been hurt in the writing of this article. For legal purposes, we take no responsibility if you followed the advice and did not land a partner (see Phase 5 for help). Reader discretion is advised. If symptoms of confusion, ghosting or lovesickness persist, please consult your nearest GP immediately (just kidding please don’t).
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